It’s been 2.5 years since I birthed my first human and as I prepare to do the same in about 20 odd weeks, I do still clearly remember those 4.5 months of NO sleep*, that should have been contraceptive enough but us mums we’ll never learn…. so I wanted to look back over the positives that your life does come back again after those early days, sort of.
1. One day sleep comes back, the tiredness does end….
2. ….so do the post birth haemmorhoids, if you’re lucky.
3. You’re not a perfect parent. You don’t have a perfect baby (its OK to admit that) but rest assured – that woman with a newborn who looks like she has got her shit together, probably doesn’t.
4. Your baby may look like a potato. And at first sight, might not be the cutest thing you’ve ever laid eyes on. Mine looked like a very beetroot coloured Phil Mitchell, she’s now the most beautiful girl in the world. Except when she’s picking her nose, and eating it. That’s pretty sick.
5. Others will judge you and your parenting skills. It’s OK to tell them to fuck off. Do it your way. And don’t get me started on those people that put your naughty child’s actions down to a ‘growth spurt’ or anything else that shit Wonder Weeks app tells you. Or Gina fucking Ford. Demon.
6. You don’t always have to like your child. Just make sure that underneath you do always love them.
7. It’s OK to miss your former self – but remember, you are still that person. Just a lot more knackered, haggard and saggy. Don’t use babies as an excuse!
8. Make sure that within the first few months you leave dad behind, collect up your best girl friends and go paint the town red, binge on jagerbombs then spend the whole next day throwing up into a bin…probably best you arrange to stay over at a friends to do this.
9. Have a goal or an event in mind to help you get out of those threadbare, saggy crotch, saggy knee leggings that you’ve spent nine months in. Nothing too sexy, you don’t want to ignite the dads loins only to find yourself back in them and going through the nine month hell again too soon.
10. Dress up all fancy for no reason, other than you no longer need to wear maternity clothes anymore. Yippppeee! Whilst we’re on this point, why are maternity clothes so shit?
11. Always remember, no matter how shit your child is being, they do sometimes sleep. They also grow up to be quite cool little slaves – they can pass the TV controller, put your shoes away for you, fish out your phone from your handbag when you’re really comfy on the sofa but desperately need to check up on Facebook activity. ….and in a few more years – they can put the kettle on and get the teas in too. And they’ll enjoy it. Crazy shits!
* (before the amazing Twilight Nanny came along)