I never really understand those people who have ‘bump envy’ or ‘miss their bump’….I get it to the extent that the bump doesn’t keep you up all night crying or refluxing and whatever else newborns do, but why is a bump so amazing?
* It hurts to lug it around
* I can’t remember the last time I even saw my lady parts….
*…or my feet
* I can’t put shoes or socks on in one swift movement, I have to take sit-up breaks in between
* I’d really like my organs to come back to fully functioning organs rather than squashed up breathless ones
* I miss being able to sleep on my front, or side, or back without something jabbing or doing the Mexican wave inside me
* I miss those nights when I got into bed and knew I wouldn’t wake until my alarm, rather than the five trips to have a wee in the midnight hours
* I liked being able to spring up in a spritely fashion rather than having to firstly roll myself from side to side to get a bit of leverage to get my fat ass off the chair/sofa/bed
* To be able to walk up a hill, or any sort of incline, without getting breathless – or a stitch
* To not have the waddle which feels like I’m trying to play that ‘pass the balloon between the legs’ game without dropping it
* To fit back into normal clothes, which aren’t black and aren’t stretchy and don’t cut so tight into your cankles that you get indents for days on end
* Actually, just to get rid of the cankles would be good
* I’d quite like to walk past a mirror without blocking out all reflections around me with my huge belly, arse…and chins
* My husband has taken photos of me where I really do resemble a bergen – I’m not just eating for two, I’m eating for Africa
* To be able to stroll confidently in heels rather than worry that my balance might make me trip – again
* To eat pate, brie, cured meats…
* ….and drink shitloads of prosecco and a couple of jagerbombs. Hell, maybe even smoke a sneaky vogue
But mainly, I can’t wait to get rid of my bump to have it turn into a real life kicking and screaming human being that we’ve waited almost 40 weeks to meet ?