From my first antenatal class letter I thought ‘Brilliant here we go sat in a room with a load of mums rubbing their bellies and thinking they’re the only pregnant person on the planet, they probably drink decaffeinated everything and only let organic pass their lips, he’ll they’ve probably even gone vegan for nine months’. I really wasn’t buying into any of this.
As it happened I struck rather lucky and got a good group – though I won’t pretend there wasn’t the obligatory belly rubber, an organic eating home-birther and an embarrassing already and he’s not even a dad yet dad, but they were equally matched with the gas and air loving Glasto couple, the ‘I still have the occasional wine’ couple and the ones that understood that 9pm on a Monday is too late on anyone’s watch as we made silent pacts to ask no more questions after 8.50pm.
As our babies started to arrive we announced it in our Facebook group and soon we decided to meet up avec babies at a group. It was like a first date, only slightly more nerve wracking as there was a plus one in tow that none of us really had any clue how to handle.
Whilst at this particular group I looked around and felt lucky that I’d stumbled across such a nice ‘normal’ bunch as there were many others who were my worst nightmare stereotypical mums. During my visit to this group, and many others I’ve frequented along the way I’ve noticed an emerging pattern of mum ‘types’….
1. The tit hanging out mum….no explanation needed, she is the one closely linked with…
2. …the earth mother who walks about bare foot with her kid in a woolen sling.
3. The second time mum – the one we all want to be, the lady that shows that kids aren’t always shit and people do actually pluck up the courage to do it again. And seem SO much more relaxed with it this time round.
4. The know it all mum – read every chapter of every book mother and then spouts about it like they invented the psychology of babies.
5. The competitive mum – you know, the one who if your kids done a poo today? Theirs have done three. Your child had a two hour nap? Theirs had a five hour nap AND still went to bed normal time.. .and slept right through, of course.
6. The why bother having kids mum – well you presume it’s mum, they’re usually always with the nanny.
7. The back in a size 6 mum – whilst you’re still shuffling about in your maternity clothes six month later, this species strutted in in her six size skinny jeans – with her one week old.
8. The accidental mum – the one with a large number of kids and the proud owner of an S-Max to fit the brood in. You overhear her say she only planned on having two, but now she’s got to dash as she’s off to pick the other 3 up on the school run.
9. The painfully shy mum – the one who you know has psyched herself up to come along to this group and now she’s here wishes she hadn’t. She’s willing her baby to wake up so she has something to occupy her attention.
10. The lend a nappy mum – there’s always one that doesn’t even turn up with a changing bag, let along nappies or wipes. WHO does that?
11. The on the edge mum – she’s either deliriously happy or climbing the walls, one wrong word could tip her over the edge into a river of tears, or a vat of wine. I personally like to do both. At the same time.
12. The snot on the sleeve, sick on the shoulder mum – I like to call this one the normal mum, the down to earth one. The one who can’t be bothered to get changed for a bit of sick as there’s more to life than a milky shoulder.
13. The knackered mum – really, deep down, that’s all of us. Some just hide it better than others. I like to think that’s just simply a Rimmel vs a Touche Eclait issue.
14. The reflux mum – there’s no way she’d go anywhere without a changing bag, she’s the one constantly feeding her child only to have it thrown back all over her again…but don’t worry “they’ll grow out of it”. She usually has sympathy with #12 mum cos there’s not enough clothes in her wardrobe to be changing as frequently as she see’s that milk again.
15. The lucky mum – that’s the one you don’t see as she’s gone back to work leaving her ‘stay at home husband to attend the cliche groups, as if going alone as a woman isn’t bad enough. I salute these brave men…or perhaps they’ve got it sorted cos they’re actually just there to enjoying looking at #1 mum?
Image: Before I lose any of my mum squad, I should state that the above picture are the ‘alright mums’…though we’re definitely all knackered and generally on the edge!