After 12 years together, and two amazing pro-creations – the stereotypical 2.4 children family as it were – we had the discussion whether we wanted any more children. Pre real life children, I always thought I would have three. Post two children and it was a resounding no. Me for my wellbeing and sanity and LagerDad because he didn’t want a Ford S-Max. So a vasectomy was the only guarantee*
I knew I didn’t want anymore children but it did feel so final. The unthinkable thought of ‘what if something happened to one of the kids‘ was soon quashed by Stuart who responded ‘Do you think we’d be able to replace them?‘. Of course we wouldn’t. So after Stuart agreeing and then putting it off for months and months, I booked his doctors appointment to get the, ahem…ball rolling.
The NHS describes a vasectomy as “…a surgical procedure to cut or seal the tubes that carry a man’s sperm to permanently prevent pregnancy. It’s usually carried out under local anaesthetic, where you’re awake but don’t feel any pain, and takes about 15 minutes”
So, what’s the vasectomy process?
After an initial doctors appointment, a referral was set up and a week or so later a letter with details for an online questionnaire was sent through the post. That was filled out and then he waited. We were a bit unsure about the process as we had heard conflicting stories about what happens next. But actually what happened next was a call from the surgery to book him in!
The appointment they offered was about six weeks away but it happened to be two days before we were heading to Disneyland Paris and I told him that walking around and his ball bag being harnessed in and shaken about on rides probably wasn’t the best idea – so he rescheduled.
A pre-vasectomy letter was sent out with details of times, location, timescales of when he could and couldn’t spank his monkey, and what he could expect pre and post operation.
Prior to the big snip, they say to use hair removal cream to achieve a smoother sack, so to speak. Razors are not advised due to regrowth and infection, and I guess the itchiness after. The sight of LagerDad holding his member up whilst sat legs akimbo smothered in Veet is a memory that will truly stay with me forever. And not in a good way.
What happened on V-Day?
LagerDad’s appointment was at 5pm, so he had a full day at work to stroke and caress his manhood before it disappeared forever. He was upbeat and ‘completely fine’ about it all when we dropped him off outside the doctors surgery in Winchester (they don’t do them in any old doctors surgery) and sat waiting for his appointment, surrounded by people that were booked in for ear infections or suspected tonsillitis.
He said he went onto the ‘operating table’ with his phone in hand ready to have a chilled laid back time away from the kids. After a few minutes, he realised it wasn’t quite the relaxed procedure he was expecting and quickly handed his phone to one of the nurses who were up the ‘head end’, what he then describes is an injection to the sack, some tugging and pulling and feeling a ‘bit uncomfortable’ – he thought it was all over and went to sit up, until they informed him that in fact that was just the one side and it was to be repeated again.
It was all over within 25 minutes. Stitched, sealed and delivered so to speak.
Recovery after a vasectomy
Driving him home, I will never forget the colour of his face. White. He tried to tell me it hurt, but to be honest zero sympathy was given – I’ve birthed two babies out of my vagina. And they weren’t small.
He described the process in detail but the bit that sticks out to me was “the smell of burning meat”. Thank god he had the op outside of BBQ season as I would certainly have been put off chomping a barbecued chipolata that evening, that’s for sure.
He whinged about having a bit of discomfort and a low stomach ache for about five days after, but no ball swelling and not as much pain in the ball area as he was expecting.
About 12 weeks after the procedure, a sperm sample needs to be sent away to ensure all the swimmers have stopped swimming and won’t be causing any trouble. Once they’ve tested it and given the all-clear then you can stop using additional contraception. Although, I’d say just having kids are pretty good contraception in themselves, right?
*a vasectomy is more than 99% effective at preventing pregnancy